Lies You Tell Your Parents When You’re at College (5 Lies in 5 Minutes)

Scene: It’s twelve o’clock on a Tuesday afternoon, as you lie swaddled up in your duvet. The unforgiving sun creeps through your blinds lighting up the chaos that is your room. You realise that you are still wearing your clothes from the night before, the half empty Four Seasons pizza box haphazardly thrown on your floor provides evidence beyond all reasonable doubt that you did, in fact, go to Angel Lane last night and spend all your money on three for ten Jägerbombs and pizza.

You do what any self respecting, independent adult deemed intelligent enough to enter third level education does when they find themselves in a pickle – you call your mammy.

Lying ensues.

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1. “Hi mam, just calling to say hello. No, no, I don’t want anything. Can’t I just call for a chat? When did you become so cynical?”

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2. “Yes of course I know what time it is!” Looking at the clock you mumble “whoops” under your breath. Another day, another missed tutorial. “Nothing, I didn’t say anything. I have no lectures until this evening, so I’m taking a study break to call you now.”

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Just when you thought you had charmed your way out of the weekly tirade of questions, the dreaded “are you taking care of yourself?” rears its ugly head.

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3. “You worry too much! Of course I take care of myself, I even cooked for myself last night. Roast chicken, that’s right, yeah.”

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4. “Yes I’m sure that I didn’t call because I wanted something, but seeing as you keep mentioning it, I’m after spending all my money on booz…. books, so maybe I could do with an extra few bob after all.”

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5. “Thank you so much, you’re a lifesaver. Right, I can’t talk, I’m off to hit the booze, I mean books again (why do you keep doing that?!) Bye now!”

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At once, all seems right with the world again. You turn your phone off, not quite emotionally stable enough to check your social media from last night yet, and snuggle back into bed.

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– Jordan Lynch

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